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Synthetic Medic · Song lyrics

Whiteout, Category 5, And Me

  • Genre: Piano Ballad
  • Released: March 11, 2026
  • Length: 4:13
The words

Lyrics

Verse 1

White sky Snow stacked on the exit sign Sirens echo somewhere far I’m curled on this bathroom tile Half-dressed Half-trying not to cry Staring at my phone like it’s The only friend I’ve got tonight

Chorus

So I call 9-1-1 Say it burns when I breathe When I blink, when I pee Feels like fire in my lungs On the coldest night this town has ever seen You ask where I am I say where the hail hits sideways on the street There’s a whiteout, category 5, and me And it hurts when I pee

Verse 2

Wind screams Like it’s got something to prove You say, Ma’am stay where you are We’ll try our best to get to you I say, Listen, I just saw this miracle place on TV They fix this in five minutes flat Down in sunny Arizona heat

Chorus 2

So I tell 9-1-1 I need a ride, a bed A palm tree, and a cure There is one place I can trust And it sure as hell is not this frozen curb You talk protocol,I talk palm trees Cacti, desert breeze There’s a whiteout, category 5, and me And it hurts when I pee

Bridge

You say, Ma’am There’s ice on the road I say, there’s acid in my bones You say, we can treat you here I say, did you not hear that tone I need that place with the smiling guy With the lab coat and the tan You keep calmly repeating We’re not a taxi, we’re a van

Verse 3

Now the gutters overflow Rain on top of solid snow And they’re talking spinning clouds On the tiny TV glow You knock, boots dripping on my floor You’ve fought a blizzard just to stand Six feet from the bathroom door

Chorus 3

And I yell, Take me west To the land where the waiting rooms have views You say, Ma’am please get dressed We’ve got warm blankets and better news You offer me a ride To the small brick building down our street But my voice climbs, high and thin Over thunder, sleet and sleamy grief

Outro

There’s a whiteout, category 5 And me and a crew that came on broken knees I cross my arms, say you don’t see There’s a desert that was made for me You hand me water, meet my eyes Say first let’s help you breathe In this whiteout, category 5, and me I let you stay While it hurts when I pee

About this song

“Whiteout, Category 5, and Me” is dedicated to a strange phenomenon in EMS: the worse the weather gets, the more creative the reasons for calling 911 seem to become.

The inspiration came during a snowstorm that was dumping roughly three feet of snow on the area.

Roads were disappearing. Driving conditions were miserable. Going anywhere required considerably more effort than usual.

And then came the call.

Painful urination.

She wasn't feeling well, so we did what we always do: treated her respectfully, evaluated her, and got her safely to the hospital.

But somewhere during that snowy ride, the songwriter part of my brain couldn't ignore the absurd contrast.

EMS will always come when you call — even when Mother Nature is very clearly suggesting that everyone stay home.

And sometimes, apparently, that makes the ambulance look suspiciously like the world's most overqualified taxi.

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