ACCEPTED

Yeah uh… I don’t wanna go to that hospital …oh here we go Lights up, we roll in clean You’re sitting up, sipping caffeine Vitals fine, skin looks great But suddenly it’s life or fate You say, “I need a ride real fast” Then hit me with your Yelp review past “Not that place, they’re kinda slow I got beef from ‘bout a year ago” Oh now you’re scrolling through your phone Like you’re picking out a dinner zone “Do they have private rooms?” Bro, you called 911 at noon You said take me to the good one Not the one that’s close Five stars or I don’t go That’s the one I chose You want valet and a view Maybe continental too This ain’t Uber Black, my dude It’s an ambulance for you “Can you pass three ERs on the way? I heard they’re nicer down that way” Meanwhile I’m thinking in my head You walked out here, you’re not half dead You ask, “Do they have better docs?” While adjusting your clean white socks “Last time they didn’t have snacks” Sir… we’re treating heart attacks Now you’re rating care in real time Like it’s some five-star lifeline “Do they validate parking there?” BRO YOU ARRIVED BY STRETCHER You said take me to the good one Not the one that’s near Twenty minutes down the road That’s your ER of the year You got preferences and picks Like a spa you wanna fix This ain’t room service, dude It’s a ride with flashing lights “Do they have better blankets?” “Is their food like… decent?” “Can I request a certain nurse?” You’re lucky we even stopped the truck You want luxury admission With a scenic route condition But your vitals scream “I’m fine” You called the emergent line You got options, you got taste But this ain’t your dinner place You called EMS for a ride Now enjoy the nearest side Actually… Can you take me somewhere with better reviews?” Yeah man, I’ll check Yelp while we code you

This chart was electronically reviewed by Synthetic Medic Medical Center. Accuracy may vary depending on staffing, caffeine levels, and whether anyone actually read the note.