REVIEWED

Hold on—don’t touch me yet I’ve got notes I’ve got notes Walk in, bag in hand You’re already mid-demand “I’ve been doing my research all night” Phone glow lighting up your face Twenty tabs I can’t replace “You should probably read this before you start” Pulse is fine, skin is warm But you’re scrolling through a storm Every symptom known to man and more I ask “when did this begin?” You say “well it depends” Then you turn your screen toward the door You don’t need me You need Wi-Fi You’ve diagnosed your whole damn life Google said I’m dying Yeah, it’s terminal tonight Started as a headache Now my liver’s in a fight Every link is screaming Every ad confirms I’m done But your vitals say you’re chillin’ Heart rates a solid ninety-one Google said I’m dying Better load me in the truck Five-star rated panic With a comment “pretty rough” You don’t want my answers You just want me to agree That your mild dehydration Is a rare disease “I saw this guy on Reddit say It started just the same way Then boom—he coded in his sleep” You zoom in on a blurry scan “That shadow right there—see that man? I think that’s what is happening to me” I try to get a word inside But you’ve got charts to override And a forum from 2003 I say “hey, take a breath” You say “that’s a sign of death” Then you screenshot something else for me You don’t need care You need a thread From someone named like “x_Dragon Med_x” instead Google said I’m dying Yeah, it’s critical by now Started with a cough Now I don’t know if I know how To even keep on breathing Without checking page three Of a blog that’s run anonymously Google said I’m dying Better hit the sirens loud I need instant validation From a mildly concerned crowd You don’t want my training You don’t want my degree You just want me nodding At your self-diagnosed MD “Can you just—can you read this one?” “No, scroll up—no, the other one” “It says right here—rare but possible” “WAIT—click that link—CLICK THAT LINK” Sir, that’s an ad for probiotics You got twelve conditions In a twenty minute span Every single symptom Came from searching “tingling hand” You’re not going under You’re just going down a hole Where every answer leads to something worse than what you scroll Google said I’m dying But my monitor says nah Heart’s just fine You’re just spiraling From reading too much blah If I turn your phone off Would you finally feel okay? Or would you call 911 For WebMD withdrawal today? Hold on—don’t discharge me yet I just found something new

This chart was electronically reviewed by Synthetic Medic Medical Center. Accuracy may vary depending on staffing, caffeine levels, and whether anyone actually read the note.