APPROVED

Lights on, we roll you in You look comfy as you’ve ever been Ankles crossed, phone in hand Living life like it’s all planned You say, “Doc, I’m ‘bout to die” Then hit a filter, fix your eyes Caption reads: “Worst pain ever” With a peace sign in the mirror Heart rate chillin’, breathing fine But your post just hit a hundred likes I’ve seen worse in a paper cut But go off, tell me it’s too much It’s a pain twelve outta ten But you’re texting all your friends Got your ankles crossed again While you’re scrolling through the trend You say you can’t even move But you just switched to selfie view If this is your emergency You seem pretty good to me You ask me for something strong But you’ve been vibing all along Laughing at your latest post “O.M.G guys I need help ” (but you don’t) You reposition like it’s yoga class Stretching slow, then check your snaps “Make sure you get my good side please” Bro, you called for this?? SERIOUSLY?? Vitals say you’re doing great But your TikTok just went insane “Send help now!!” you type again Then add a hashtag at the end It’s a pain twelve outta ten But you’re texting all your friends Got your ankles crossed again Like you’re lounging in a Benz You can’t function, so you claim But you just updated your username If this is your emergency Then praise your false reality You sing of suffering and pain But chase the light, deny the strain A martyr in a filtered frame So tell me what is real again Twelve out of ten But you’re on line again Pose it, post it Filter that lens Can’t even walk? But you just hit send If this is dying You’re doing it well my friend

This chart was electronically reviewed by Synthetic Medic Medical Center. Accuracy may vary depending on staffing, caffeine levels, and whether anyone actually read the note.